my one and only final essay for Capstone~ What I know now that I did not know before

Lisa Meyer
Literature 495
Term paper
Dr. Michael Sexson
21 April, 2010


What I know now, that I didn’t know before and the difference that it makes, in regards to T.S. Eliot’s Four Quartets


“We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started from
And know the place for the first time.”
T.S. Eliot


Beginning this paper, I thought to myself that it seems the only place to start is by asking myself the exact question my title addresses. What do I know now that I did not know before? While this is a brilliant question, I have a hard time answering it. I continuously obscure the lines between what I think I know and what I really do know. I am attempting to at least clarify for myself what I know and what I am in the present, though inevitably I will also address the future. To answer this question, I have looked to T.S. Eliot whom I believe has taught me much of what I know now. If he has not taught me through his own words, I feel in my heart that they have a strong connection at the very least.


When I first began my paper, I tried to write it as if every stage of my life represented a vale similar to those in Keats’ “The Vale of Soul- Making”. I soon came to realize that this was much easier done as a mental process, not on paper. It also seems to be one of those unique thoughts I had that only I am supposed to think about, a thought kept to myself, for me to ponder because no one else would understand. It is easy for me to move from vale to vale in my head, but writing it down interrupts the flow of this process. I must also mention briefly that this paper to some may seem informal but I am writing for myself in my own voice. While my paper is focused mainly on T.S. Eliot, Keats will be mentioned because he must be. Similar to Eliot, Keats has outlined the process of moving from light to dark and dark to light.


I have come to believe that every day is filled with dark and light, though not in an entirely negative sense. I have days when the dark is overpowering and I cannot seem to push past into the light. These times occur with tragic events such as loss. Then I have days that the dark is overcome more easily, as it is with everyday stresses. Once reading Eliot, I felt that I was able to reach that vale behind which there was light. The duo of Keats and Eliot has given me a completely new sense of Dark and light. I have learned not only from Eliot, but from capstone that the light is not possible without the dark.


I believe that when my life ends and a new life begins, my soul will still be left. I cannot explain how relieved I am to see that Eliot has contemplated the soul in this way. Keats focuses on the Vale of Soul-Making as des Eliot in a way. Eliot mimics Keats in his lines “I said to my soul, be still, and let the dark come upon you” (Eliot 27). My soul will never be redeemed from darkness; I shall be in constant motion through all the vales of my life.


Is it Life. Life! Or Life? Perhaps it should be followed by “…”, who’s to say? That’s the thought that I began with when I was pondering life. What is this so called thing and how does it work? Life is a gift, given and taken away. Although it is taken from us it is not lost forever. I have learned through reading T.S. Eliot that life is a pattern. The cyclical pattern of life flows with the idea that we never truly die. We have the ability to experience the same things over and over; for example, waking up, going to school or work, involving ourselves in the same activities daily with the same people, but it’s never the exact same. I hate to use the cliché “circle of life” because it is so much more than that, though similar I suppose.


More importantly, at this moment I must consider not the general meaning of life, but what life is to me. Life is taking a moment to consider all others around us and realizing how they have become a part of our life and the difference they have made. Family, friends, lovers. Perhaps some have parted from my life, but still have left their mark. Life is acknowledging the past and the future but allowing myself to live in the present. But then, what is living? Living I suppose is understanding, loving, hoping, failing and succeeding. I know these things but I will not live until I practice them. I know these things, but at the same time I don’t know them. I have an obscured, complex definition of life, we all do but I honestly do not think that we will know what life is until we have died.
As much as I hate to this say, life is addition and subtraction. We receive some and we lose some. What is the “some”? It is people, moments, time, love and meaning. But I believe that I never lose my knowledge of life, it simply transforms into a new way of knowing.


So, I continue to learn until I die, in which the cycle will begin again. This cyclical pattern to some seems mundane and repetitive but had they opened their eyes to T.S. Eliot’s Four Quartets, they would see that no matter how repetitive, no day is ever exactly the same. No day is mundane either, rather the person living in that moment with that thought is mundane to me. Really though, I don’t know the meaning of life. Some may think they do but they don’t. The meaning to life is one of those things that goes undiscovered until death if not longer; perhaps we never understand the meaning. Isn’t attempting to figure that out a waste of time in itself? I am intrigued by this but try not to let it consume my thoughts.


Life becomes more complex and “as we grow older the world becomes stranger, the pattern more complicated” (Eliot 31). When I was a child, life was so simple though I had not realized it. I knew nothing about life and love compared to what I think I know now. I knew that I loved my family and that death was inevitable but really I knew nothing. The circle of life was just something from “The Lion King”.
Children know everything about life and they know nothing. Children know how to live life in the sense that they only know how to have fun and throw a major fit when they aren’t. Time has no existence to children. Innocence protects them from some things, some of the time.


I worry sometimes that I allow time to rule my life, other times I ignore time by turning off my phone and avoiding clocks. I feel very strongly that time has become a powerfully negative nuisance in our everyday lives. It interrupts the moments that we should be fully engaged, the moments that we will never again capture. This unhealthy obsession with time in my life forces me to miss so many moments and is reflected wonderfully for me through Eliot’s thought that “we had the experience but missed the meaning”. How have I allowed myself to participate in so many things without really participating? Of course I come to class, I share my ideas (though not often enough), and I leave. But what did I leave with? How much did I engage myself and why did I not engage fully? I can answer this question right now without hesitation. The reason is because I am thinking about my next class, what homework to do during my breaks, and so much more. Why do I allow these thoughts to consume me within that one moment? That I cannot answer.


Eliot complicates the notion of time for me, teaching me that time is all we have and all we don’t have. Once I read Eliot I had a whole new conception of time. With that conception, the meaning of time changes and becomes deeper. Since I have read Eliot’s Four Quartets I realize I attempt to ignore time as much as possible. This, as I have recently noticed, can get me into trouble. But when I do, I am so much happier. I know that time rules the lives of humans today and as destructive as that may be; it is inevitable in this world. Now I am working on how to change that. How ironic to think that with time comes change.


What else surrounding us in this life is destructive? Love. I have learned that above all else, including time and wisdom, love rules my life. I want to say that this year I have experienced what love truly is but am almost scared to admit to having that knowledge. Do I really know love? Of course, we all do, love of something or someone.


As wonderful as love is, I am scared of it because of the power it has to overtake me and my thoughts. I succumb to love in a way I never thought possible. As I write this I can feel my heart racing, my mind wandering and wanting at this moment to succumb to the one that makes me feel this way…but I don’t. I can’t.
I think that recently more than ever, I have seen how healing love can be while at the same time destructive. Eliot allows me to see both the light and dark side of love. I have heard advice to not allow attachment to overcome and to distance myself at times. Eliot has said this in a direct, yet an enlightening way.


The Four Quartets is so romantic that I can’t help but think of love in every way and in a new way each time I read it. When I read of “two and two…holding eche other by the hand or the arm” I smile and fade into a state of consciousness in which I am only conscious of love. I never knew this was possible until I read Eliot and suppose what I have felt is love. “Love is most nearly itself when here and now cease to exist”, when in that moment all you have and need is love, when time is of no essence, that is love (Eliot 31). I also learned, on a deeper level, love is not just of things or people, but of the self, our unique individual thoughts, the world and all that surrounds us in every moment. What do you love and what do you wait for? My answer is everything and nothing.


My love of Eliot has evolved much through the remarkable connections I am able to make to my own life experiences. As I was reading East Coker, I came across a passage: “until the sun and moon go down comets weep and Leonids fly” (Eliot 25). I paused and realized that the first time Jon and I went on a real date was to watch the Leonids meteor shower. I simply smiled and read on. When I went back to re-read the Four Quartets, there in my book was a note (not from me) scrawled near that passage “our first date” and not only did I smile, but I realized that my love of Eliot grew from something more than the language and meaning, but from my life and the power of those connections to my real life experiences.


Examining the idea of attachment and detachment was difficult for me because it is so complex. It relates so greatly to my life past and present, as I am sure it will in the future. Detachment is liberation from everything except the present, though in this world that does not always seem possible. Listening to Lisa Hiller’s presentation the idea of living in the moment was so enlightening, yet difficult for me to practice sometimes. I have found that I have become attached to so many things, people and ideas and I have trouble being able to detach myself.


My attachment especially to those I love is so great that detachment seems to be such a painful process, a process that seems unattainable. A very personal example would be the relationship I am in right now. While I love being with Jon, I know that I need to detach myself. I cannot help but hope for a lifetime of great moments, but Eliot has helped me to realize that I should not wait and I should not hope to the point of making detachment difficult. Each moment I detach myself from this relationship is almost saddening, yet liberating. I have also found that detachment is necessary in order for attachment to have a positive outcome.


Attachment and detachment hand in hand. In regards to love I feel it is necessary to understand both. I am able to admit that I don’t fully understand either all of the time. What I have learned from Eliot is that detachment is not to cease loving, but to love in a different way, a less selfish way, “expanding of love beyond desire” (Eliot 55). As I reflect on experience, I think that more than experience it is the meaning that comes with it that matters. Eliot tells us directly that we miss the latter though. Sometimes we have moments that we only take in the meaning and others that we bask in the experience but forget what it means. For me, the meaning is something that is deeper than anything else. Meaning involves feeling, thought and action all at once somehow. What makes something meaningful though? It’s the heart of the experience.


Thinking about meaning brought me to the idea of distractions. I wonder to myself still whether distractions have meaning or not. I think at times they do because some distractions prevent us from experiencing other things. What can be considered a distraction though? Distractions in my life consist of anything that keeps me from doing the things I need to complete, such as homework. Yet a distraction for me is also something that simply distracts me, keeping me from other thoughts and actions.


Love as I said before is a great distraction, but not just love of people. Distraction is love of words, dreams and illusions. I always use the word distraction with a negative connotation though I shouldn’t. Just as Eliot shows, distractions can be empty of meaning but I do not believe that they all are empty of meaning. For example, Jon is a gigantic distraction much of the time. He is a distraction I don’t want to get rid of though, a distraction I absolutely adore with more meaning than I could ever explain. Cleaning my apartment on the other hand is quite meaningless and again a large distraction. I notice too the word “action” hidden at the end of “distraction”, another interesting discovery because Eliot uses both of these words often in the Four Quartets. One of the actions I practice most often is actually mentioned in the Four Quartets. I lie awake constantly, contemplating the future just as in Eliot’s “Dry Salvages” as he describes “anxious worried women lying awake, calculating the future, trying to unweave, unwind, and unravel and piece together the past and the future…when the past is all deception, the future futureless…when time stops and time is never ending” (Eliot 37). I find it absolutely amazing that when I wake up that time I was contemplating will be the future I was worried about.


So in the end I am still left with another question, what difference has all of this made? I feel that I am perhaps not more knowledgeable on time, love, meaning, and life but knowledgeable in a different way. I know things and think about things much differently now than I did before reading T.S. Eliot. In fact, I have always hated time for the most part but I had ever actually thought about time. T.S. Eliot’s Four Quartets has definitely brought me further from the “real world” which I view as a positive consequence. All of this has made a difference in the way I live my daily life to some extent and the conversations I engage myself in. Mostly though, the difference is who I am now since realizing all of this. Am I a completely different person? No. In reality, I am very much the same but I feel different.


One of the greatest differences though is the way I see others as well as myself. I feel like everyone has secrets in their past which we may never come to know. We all carry with us a past that will never be forgotten, live in a present that often goes unnoticed because we are worrying about a future that may never even come. I am remembering to appreciate the moments I have now for fear they may never come again though I cannot deny I still contemplate the future, near or far.
As I come to the end, I “see, now they vanish, the faces and places, with the self which, as it could, loved them, to become renewed, transfigured, in another pattern” (Eliot 55). Every day I am someone new. Every day I see new faces and never see them again. The idea that every experience and moment is new and exciting is reflected in this. But then again it is up to me to observe the meaning in those moments that are gone as quickly as they came.


I am having trouble concluding this paper because I don’t feel like it is time for me to. I have attempted many times to find an ending, and have come to a final realization that nothing ever ends or is finished. Right now Eliot’s lines, “we shall not cease from exploration” speak to me more deeply than they did before. In fact, I remember I liked those words, but did not love them. Now I love them and I feel them. As exciting as my upcoming graduation is, I do not know if I am ready for it. I used to wonder why people were here for six or seven years, but now I think “why not?!” We are always learning, we just have to figure out where and when we move on.


One thing I wanted to create within this remembrance was my vales. My vales are made of tears, relief, pain, happiness, regret and understanding. They are the vales of unforgettable encounters with others, goodbyes and experiences. Every vale is obscured in some way. The vales of my past because I did not take the time to absorb them and the vales of the future obscured because I will never know what lies ahead. If I live by what I have learned in regards to T.S. Eliot’s Four Quartets, I believe that the moment I am in and the vale I am behind may be come a little more clearer though never completely.


Concluding my paper I also consider my sacred duty. My sacred duty is to get through today, to live my life with a passion unlike any other. I must love myself and others and live within every moment as fully as possible. My sacred duty is to succeed but to do so with happiness. I want to live as Eliot says and expand my love beyond simply desire. Lastly at the moment, I want my life to end knowing that I have fulfilled my secret duty by living in the here and now with a different appreciation and understanding for life.


I have cried tears of pain before when having to write papers but as I wrote this paper I had tears in my eyes for a whole new reason that I cannot describe. Never before in my life have I written a paper so personal that has brought me to tears. Perhaps I could say that it’s a true accomplishment. Also meaning that one vale has been pushed aside while I move towards another. I am on a whole new stage, with all new actors. C’est la vie. My life continues behind a whole new vale from this moment on.

But “all shall be well and all manner of thing shall be well” (Eliot 57). I look forward to the moment of graduation when “the dove descending breaks the air with flame of incandescent terror.” (Eliot 57) This is the image I will leave with, the image of the moment that will be the present.

~My "last" blog~

My first thought is...CeLeBrAtE but that can wait until after graduation I suppose :)

I cannot begin to explain the feelings that I have experienced while being in this class. I have learned so much that I didn't know before but what difference has it made? It has made a world of difference! I have a new view of knolwedge, life, love and most importantly time. And yes, of course I have Eliot to thank for that!

I have been memorizing my Eliot lines and am taken aback at how wonderful it truly is to have something so influential in my memory! While i still have trouble memorizing my whole section there are lines that have stuck in my head throughout the semester because they spoke to me in a way that I cannot explain but a way that was different- they connected. One line is "'go, go, go said the bird, Human kind cannot bear much reality" and another... "Love is most nearly itself when here and now cease to matter".

I have been a lover of Keat's Vale of Soul making but in capstone it took on a whole new level! I placed myslef behind those vales...something ambitious I had never thought to do. How does that change me? I feel more exposed yet also hidden by those vales. I feel like now there is so much more to be revealed to me in the future, though with the balance of knowledge from Eliot, I have realized I cannot wait for that future (of course because a brick may fall on my head) but now I am weary and am saying "knock on wood" because superstitions do that to me.

As I type, I find I am rambling because like my college education, I do not want to quit. Where will I go, what will I do when my last blog is finished?!?!?! It seems as if I am directionless and lost! But we have to eventually move on because this is the end and soon there will be a new beginning. Where? We do not know? When? Every moment is a new beginning in a way. Take it in, live it up, and calm down because we are all in this together!

The rain is falling from time to time lately and it fits the solemn mood. Sometimes I feel like crying and sometimes I feel like celebrating- whatever I am doing, I am in the moment. My thoughts are taking me to other places now though and I succumb to them and the emotions they leave me with. This is my end. I must now find my beginning. My sunrise and sunset.

Thank you to Dr. Sexson, such a wonderful semester in capstone! Thank you for the past memories and the present moments in which I immerse myself. Past, present and future. Thank you!

To everyone, you are all amazing! Truly...you have so much to accomplish and I am absolutely honored to have shared these experiences with you. I must say, Eliot...we did not miss the meaning or the experience here!

Good luck and I'll be seeing you.

Where to begin...

The last week of capstone was celebrated with such wonderful group presentations...all very creative and ritualistic. It really truly felt like such a wonderful send off and it was fascinating how every group incorporated the whole class in their presentations!!

Epiphany has a whole new meaning finishing capstone. So really what is an epiphany, other than a divine manifestation? What is it to each unique individual? That is what is truly divine about epiphanies, it is never the same- they last and leave each person a changed person.

I have been overcome with epiphanic experiences this semester and realize how truly important they are to our life now and in the end...and at the beginning, again

I could continue blogging on Eliot, Keats and this class in general but instead I will end this blog and move onto my "last" blog for this class...

But I want to leave by saying CoNgRaTuLaTiOnS to everyone! Terrific class- good luck in the future! All my good wishes to each and every one of you!!!

I am listening to Pandora and typed in Ingrid Michaelson to find music similar to hers. Can I just say that I am experiencing an epiphany...a musical epiphany! It has made this moment of blogging a much different experience than I would be having had I been listening to all the other keys clicking as those around me work on boring projects, probably not epiphanic!

I still have to post my paper! Soon, I know! I will be doing that by Friday because I don't have my flashdrive with me.

I realized I did not blog for the rest of the Individual presentations which seems unfair! Nick- wonderful, wonderful job! You've made the last few semesters manageable and fun! Your presentation in silence was great and fit so well with capstone, not to mention the END of capstone. I think that all endings have a sort of silence to them. Victoria, I am proud of you! I wish you'd have read your paper. Not everyone is eloquent with words and you shouldn't feel pressure, those are your words written in your voice, presented by YOU! Nice job :) Erin's presentation on boxes and frames was intriguing. She picked a topic that has interested her all semseter and did a wonderful job turning it into the best work she has written (perhaps) :) Mick- well, I am glad that you had SO MUCH FUN!!!!!! haha- your presentation was so YOU! Don't eat animals but love food? Yes, something of that sort :) No, I am joking- I thoroughly enjoyed it! Amy- you did so well! loved your presentation! To everyone- awesome! I feel like I am forgetting people, and I am sorry! Just know you all did a wonderful job because it was YOUR presentation and that is what I loved about them!

Taking advice from my own paper

I decided to read over my paper today...just because I felt like there were some things i needed to practice and have already seemed to overlook. I am currently going to practice detachment. What better thing could one practice the last week of classes. I am having mixed feelings though. I feel like in regards to school and myself detachment would be a wonderful thing for me to examine. I could gain more knowledge of myself and reactions to certain things and also experience my very last week of classes (unless perhaps I decide to never leave school adn continue learning) in a whole new way! Excitement and anxiety! I know though that detachment will force me to miss other experiences as well which is a bit saddening. Now I must ask myself what I am detaching from that has been causeing me such great distraction. My practice begins...

To Sam

I was in a really, extremely, overwhelmingly crabby mood moments ago but I began reading some of the term papers instead of wasting my time thinking about what made me so crabby. I am no longer crabby. I beagan with Sam's paper- in journal form! It is such a wonderful piece of work and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. Not only get I get some amusement and knowledge out of it but it lifted my spirits a bit and prompted me to move on from this waste of time attitude and do something more constructive! Thanks you Sam for writing this most wonderful paper (journal). You did an amazing job!

Individual Presentations Day 3

Rian started off our presentations on Monday talking about melancholy in regards to epiphanies. I think that if everyone wrote an essay on Melancholy it would be so fun to hear them because each of us would have a different experience or story to tell, as with everything!
I followed with real life in connection to T.S. Eliot. Soon my paper will be posted and you can read it if you missed the presentation. Again, sorry my voice was practically gone :(
Taylor took the cake! I am actually struggling with even saying anything because I feel like no matter what I say, it will not do justice! If you missed it, you really missed it! She read her whole paper and connected epiphanies to children. To write her paper she looked to her journal that she kept when she was about 7! If only we all had them with us, we could sit around and read those- there would probably be much laughter! She talked about how children transcend time and live in the moment. She described her life as if she was living in a garden (the secret garden). Taylor also questioned, "what is a child and who was I?" Her paper was brilliant as was her presentation! Loved it! She didn't raise the bar, she threw it into the air!
Sam's presentation was also wonderful. she described stories within stories and narrated a trip of getting lost she had through Seattle. In her presentation she talked about a lost and found box...there is a box for the lost but not the found- well, they are the same...but how?
Tai ended our class period and it was a great closure for the morning! He talked about funerals, tila tequila, ritz crackers & velveeta...I must read his paper! He also discussed ritual and rememberance, as well as mentioning that many times even though we are doing something we ignore it. And you'd think how can you ignore something you are doing- that is what I thought when he said this but then I realized there are so many things I do that go unnoticed even though we are doing them...very interesting to think about!
Good luck to the rest!!! Can't wait to hear them! :)

Individual presentations Day 2!!

I was running late and missed some of Derek's presentation but plan to read his paper on the blog, then I will post comments! Lisa little legs followed with a presentation focusing on predicting the future. You can't. As she ended her presentation I realized all of what she was saying was that we have to take in what we can of the moment because you never relive it the exact same way and may never be able to experience it at all for a second or third etc. time.
Helena is trying to find Rome. But as Huxley says its a state of mind and you get to rome through remembrance of the divine. She mentioned the levels of understanding and the Wallace Stevens poem "To an old philosopher in Rome" seeing a place literally. Robert closed with dreams and freudian thinking. He talked about how everyone is a warrior facing distraction, being tormented by desires. His metaphor of the woman on the other side of the door was captivating. I think that this is something everyone can relate to whether it's a woman or a man, or simply something that is or seems to be unattainable. We age too fast and are lost in our thoughts. "We're all cowards because we are under the spell of distraction".

I feel bad that I was late to class and missed some of Derek's presentation but I must say....some good comes from everything...it has to! While I was walking to class from my car....which seemed a lifetime away....I had so many thoughts on how to write my paper, what to write, etc. and I was thrilled to have these thoughts racing through my head with so many others.

Unfortunately I missed Day 3 presentations...also my presentation for various reasons...I missed out, that's all there is to it.

Individual presentations Day 1

The first day of individual presentations was wonderful! It is so interesting to listen because it is unlike the presentation of any other term paper. These are so much more personal and unique to that individual. Kevin Luby talked about inscape of course and achieving "mental clarity"...I don't quite know if he even knows what that is. I loved that he addressed the idea that silly experiences allow you to upgrade to all new experiences on a completely different level and without those you wouldn't reach that level. He raised the bar for the following presentations. Abby also did a wonderful job talking about memory and experience. We are living in a world of fragmented moments as she described it...which seems accurate to me! I almost laughed when she was talking about eternal truth because I didn't really stop to think about what it really is! Well...there is not really a right answer is there? We all have our own eternal truth. Though it could be said that the divine is the soul. I like that. Live, Die, Choose- well said Joan. I greatly appreciated Joan's way of breaking down life into stages: the first 20 years a hormonal mess, the 50 after that we live and the last 10 years we are losing our minds. That's 80 years of rich, unique experiences. The sacred and the sacrifice are the same- the more you give up the more sacred you become. Katie's presentation was also wonderful of course, raising the bar once again...her presentation was very personal and i know she put a lot of time and effort into it. "if you didn't have bad luck, you'd have no luck at all"...good advice but isn't there such a thing as good luck? Perhaps luck is luck. Ronald ended the class with a presentation on the four quartets which of course I was excited by. He talked about the five chinese elements (wood, earth, fire, water, and metal) and how they all connect. I thought it was brilliant that he changed the order of the elements though and I wondered to myself...had he kept the elements in the same order, would his paper have the same conclusion? Just a thought...He also talked about the phases being circular just as Eliot describes life as circular in a way. Learn to love and you will love to learn.

Tres bien tout le monde!

What I know now...

With the help of Dr. Sexson, I have finally come up with a working title and ideas for my term paper! I am so excited to get started on it, and though it will be "complete" when I present it...I don't think it will ever conclude. I started with the two people I have become absolutely enthralled with: T.S. Eliot and John Keats. I have so much to learn, but looking back...I have already learned so much the last four years. Experiences in and out of the classroom have all seemed to connect.

My working title:
"What I know now that I didn't before and the difference it makes in regards to T.S. Eliot's Four Quartets"

Ideas:
Right Action- what is the right action?
What do I see now as my sacred duty?

"'On whatever sphere of being the mind of a man may be intent at the time of death': That is the one action (and the time of death is every moment) which shall fructify in the lives of others and do not think of the fruit of action. Fare Forward."

"Other echoes in habit the garden. Shall we follow?"

"go, go , go said the bird: human kind cannot bear much reality."

I have many more ideas as well...so I intend to update this blog entry often!

Back to Eliot...

Of course we are back to Eliot, we are always with Eliot. Including the recitation tonight, which I am very excited for! Actually, I am surprised that so few people are participating. But...I was reading Eliot and using the excuse that I HAD to memorize my short 7 lines so that I didn't have to do my french homework! It has worked out well...

I was reading Eliot the other morning before class and found so many more passages that interest me even more as I read them over and over. I don't remember which notes were from the first or second or third time I read, so I apologize if I am repeating a few things from a previous blog!

In the Burnt Norton, Eliot asks us if one should follow the echoes? And in response I asked myself...how would one choose? While it would be interesting to follow the echoes down that road of curiosity would we be conforming to what we think we should be doing or what everyone else would do? If we didn't follow the echoes are we creating our very own unique path?

I pause now because I am all of a sudden at a stop after that thought. Where do I go from here? I honestly have no idea...everyday my book has a new mark on the page...I noticed just now, the binding is slowly coming apart from the book. I am tempted to go home and scan in the pages that have the most notes on them because I really don't think I have the ability (at least at the moment- and every moment is death). The soul. another subject eliot touches on. What is the purification of the soul? Is it darkness and deprivation that serves as the purifier? Must there be light and association before purification is able to be done? I am thinking the light and experience lead to times of darkness and deprivation. It reminds me of the popular saying "You never know what you've got until it's gone". Is this the purification of the soul, coming to that realization?

I am going to pause on this blog to see where i should jump to next and perhaps scan in some pages just for kicks. It would be fun to have others see my notes and let them make their assumptions from that.

To the Lighthouse

I have read Virginia Woolf's To the Lighthouse before and while I must confess I do not thoroughly enjoy it, I was able to find many moments which struck me as great, touching, emotionally riveting or at the very least interesting. A few epiphanies I crossed that I liked best will follow this dull introduction. My mind is still in Spring Break mode and V. Woolf is not helping to kick me in school mode...

Mrs. Ramsay is such a wonderful character in the way that her thoughts seem to take over her and all the rest of the characters. Even her simple actions say something so much more deeply. For example, "when she looked in the glass and saw her hair grey, her cheek sunk, at fifty, she thought, possibly she might have managed things better- her husband; money; his books." (Woolf 6). This passage shows how strong the reflection in a piece of glass can be! It reflects not only what is there physically, that we often overlook, but goes deeper within- the physical reflection leads to the emotional and mindful reflection Mrs. Ramsay never saw.

"It was a spendid mind. For if thought is like the keyboard of the piano, divided into so many notes, or like the alphabet is ranged in twenty-six letters all in order, then his splendid mind had no sort of difficulty in running over those letters one by one, firmly and accurately, until it had reached, say, the letter Q" (Woolf 33). The mind is such a splendid thing. When I read this passage I instantly thought of all the courses I have taken with Dr. Sexson. Truly in these courses you realize what a splendid thing the mind is! So many people, reading the same thing, at the same time, all come to such imaginative conclusions that are so unique to that individual's mind. This idea to me is absolutely enthralling and the mind itself is something I will never comprehend!

On page 75 in my book, Nancy's experience with the tide is beautiful. It makes it seem as though she has the power to turn something to small into something greater and larger. She can turn darkness to light, light to dark, change the movement and creatures into something that would not exist unless she altered the environment in even the smallest of ways. I can't explain what I am thinking in a way that seems clear, but I had a moment of "ohhh" seeing the way that something so small can come together with something else just as insignificant and seem so much larger in that unity.

This next passage I chose is charged with emotion, thought, and feeling. I love this passage: "the thing that mattered; to detach it; separate it off; clean it of all the emotions and odds and ends of things, and so hold it before her...Is it good, is it bad, is it right or wrong? Where are we all going to? and so on" (Woolf 112). Who is to decide the answers to these questions? How do we decide what it is that matters or did matter? Does something matter at one point then at another it does not? When does something cease to matter?

Hamlet

First of all, snaps to those who have been blogging over break...I am finally pulling myself together- at least enough to blog! haha

Obviously the grand theme of revenge stands out in Hamlet, but what I find to be epiphanic is the result of revenge, what comes from it.

When Hamlet has the murder of Gonzago performed, it must be an epiphanic moment for his mother and Claudius because they do not think that it would ever be uncovered. I don't know at the moment what sort of epiphany manifested them, but I would say it is an eerie epiphany that carries with it a negative energy. Chilling to say the least which all epiphanies are but this chill is so unlike the chill of any other epiphany. Awe...awful.

I thought of Mick when reading Hamlet (mainly towards the end) because he has an interest in love and epiphanies- in general the subject of love. When Ophelia drowns, the suffering Hamlet feels is so overwhelming. I can only think that in a moment like that because you have so much love for a person when something happens that is so tragic, that love creates an epiphany, an overwhelming realization of your love for them. I said above that when something Tragic happens, this feeling is created, but even in a wonderfully loving moment that is so great and happy, this feeling has the power to take over a person in a way that is truly epiphanic.

This idea of death in Hamlet is a bit depressing I must say because all of the deaths are preventative and quite unnecessary. I did enjoy Hamlet though, as I have before but it was more than just themes, it was the feelings and ideas that came from those themes leading to moments of epiphany.

Total Eclipse

I really enjoyed reading Annie Dillard's Total Eclipse. It is so interesting because some of her sentences are almost like repetition and addition. For example, the first two sentences of paragraphs 1 and 2.

"It was like slipping into fever, or falling down that hole in sleep from which you wake yourself whimpering"- I immediately thought of a nightmare when I read this passage and it is so odd to think that a dream/ nightmare can arouse in you such emotions when you are not conscious of what is going on around you. It has happened to me before too, when you have a horrible dream that seems so real and you awake with tears in your eyes and a feeling of emptiness, actually it just happened the other day which is why this passage really hit me.

I love that Annie Dillard begins with random remembrances from her trip as opposed to the full story of the eclipse itself. She captivates you enough in the first paragraph to be able to go on with the description of the clown. And why is it that she is unable to forget this trivial clown painting? It is so interesting the things that we notice like "a painting of the sort which you do not intend to look at, and which, alas, you never forget. Some tasteless fate presses it upon you."

When reading total eclipse I noticed too that she uses a lot of language connected with descent like "sliding", "slipping", "falling down", "slope", "descended", "lost altitude"...very interesting!

The way that Dillard describes the eclipse is an epiphany in itself! On page 87 she talks about the drive out to find a hilltop and discusses how familiar it is. After reading this, I thought is the familiar something that goes unnoticed or is forgotten to the point of it being meaningless?

Distance obscurs vision (p.88)

"It began with no ado." (p.89) The eclipse in a sense is like an epiphany...you don't know when it will happen, how it will feel...like something else that comes to mind....if ya know what I mean.

I very much enjoy dillard's metaphors too EX.- eclipse--kissing to marrying--fying to falling

I have to babysit so I will add to this later....

Passages from Tintern Abbey

I rather liked these passages and wanted to at least
post them because they really stuck out in
the poem as I was reading and at times I would find myself re-reading them, over, and over, and over...

"Though absent long, these forms of beauty have not been to me, as is a landscape to a blind man's eye"

"Feelings too of unremembered pleasure..."

"his little nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and of love"

"That serene and blessed mood, in which affections gently lead us on"

"When these wild ecstasies shall be matured,
Into a sober pleasure, when thy mind
Shall be a mansion for all lovely forms,
Thy memory be as a dwelling-place
For all sweet sounds and harmonies;"


I would have to say that this is one of the more beautiful poems Wadsworth wrote (at least in comparison to intimations of immortality, though who am I to judge?)

Seeing Tintern Abbey differently

First of all, how ironic that I had to read Wordsworth's intimations of immortality today for critical theory...

The first time that I read Wordsworth's Tintern Abbey was probably about a month ago when I was at Sola...I thought maybe it was the atmosphere or my mood, but I could not understand him (maybe didn't want to for some reason). I was lost and almost bored, though I hate to use that word. The classical style caused me not to SEE it, only READ it. Dr. Sexson is right though, now that we have been in Capstone, we will read it differently.

Wordsworth's epiphany or recollection of this place, as with much of his poetry has a lot of images of nature. I feel like perhaps my blog will go off in many directions because I am making a lot of random connections and have some ideas that do not necessarily connect. I enjoyed the image of the crab (lines 22-23) and the idea of solitude or being alone. They often go unnoticed and similar to humans keep to themselves in their own "cave".

"Almost suspended, we are laid asleep In body, and became a living soul, While with an eye made quiet by the power of harmony, and the deep power of joy, we see into the life of things"
- I think of entering into the dream world which, yes, is mostly a world of beauty and joy, things forgotten are awakened. But the dream world, as we all know, can also be a world of deeper power filled with hurt and sadness. I like that Wordsworth focuses on the joy it seems and the image of dreaming-- an eye made quiet puts an image in my mind of entering into a sleep or perhaps it has nothing to do with sleep and dreams but simply seeing your thoughts with your eyes open. By this I mean, you are looking in, not out even while your eyes appear to be looking out.

"Sylvan Wye"-- here there is a connection between spirit and the river through language. I posted a picture above of the River Wye, a river along the border of Wales and England.

"The picture of the mind revives again"- for Wordsworth this simply shows that he has opened his eyes and sees nature (previous lines) , looking back to his thoughts deep in his mind.

"Present Pleasure" (around line 65) followed by: "...in this moment there is life and food For future years". I find this very interesting because he sees the positive to the future whereas Eliot sees descent and "Wistful regret for those who are not yet here to regret" (dry salvages, pt3, line 127).

Wordsworth is "more like a man flying from soemthing that he dreads, than one who sought the thing he loved" (line71) and I think why dowe run when we are given so few moments (eliot) or so few pulses (pater).

I loved Wordsworth's mention of passion as well! He says around line 78 "...haunted me like a passion" while he is speaking of a waterfall, I think of passion in general. And while some may think that nothing good comes of Desperate Housewives, the show...I disagree...I was a bit into this over winter break and remember a quote from one episode... "Passion, it's a force so potent we remember it long after it's gone". I absolutely love this quote and really it's true. Passion is one feeling that can arouse so many emotions at once it is simply enthralling...except passion itself is not so simple. Wordsworth states it brilliantly, passion is "haunting" to the level that it can over take us in a way nothing else does...There are so many things I feel that I could go on with this one word "passion" but it's a lot to take on at this hour...

We have also been discussing poets and their ability to steal from their successors (which we have also been doing in Critical Theory) and I am beginning to think that while Wordsworth did not STEAL from Eliot (though it could be interesting to accuse such a thing) he did borrow (although I am unsure which came first so maybe it's the other way around). Wordsworth writes "That time is past" but unlike Eliot he does not make the connection between past, present and future. Eliot would say, sure that time is past but it is also present, yes it is the end but it is also the beginning and vice versa...Love it!

Wordsworth brings up the sublime towards the end of the poem and I am hoping that perhaps Kari could go through the sublime briefly again as she did in Literary Criticism. I attempted to find a blog from her on it from 300, but couldn't. I will leave it at that and see what comes...

There are so many connections to Eliot that I think for most people are minor but considering I have an obession ( I can't help but laugh) I notice them!!! Wordsworth describes the music of humanity as still and sad, but that music won't last as Eliot tells us...and WE are the music- so in turn, we will not last, but should we be still and sad in our few moments? maybe it would be more fun to be the music of the "thoughtless youth" (wordsworth), is that possible?

What I take from Wordsworth's poem especially near the end is that humanity is closer to nature than we realize, it is "the guardian of my heart, and soul of all my moral being". He himself is with his spirits when he is upon the banks of that river.

When Wordsworth talks about his "former heart" and "former pleasures" is he talking about his past or pointing to the idea of reincarnation? It seems that while both could be possible the first is more appropriate as he seems to be discsussing something that he has put his whole heart and pleasures into but may have lost, therefore speaking of a former life, not in the literal sense.

He too speaks of the mundane life that should not bring us down or "disturb our chearful faith that all which we behold is full of blessings". Circling back to the idea that every moment, even the ordinary is a moment given to us that we should take advantage of.

"Nor wilt thou then forget,
That after many wanderings, many years
Of absence, these steep woods and lofty cliffs,
And this green pastoral landscape, were to me
More dear, both for themselves and for thy sake."
-This passage is so beautiful to me and I can't really describe what I feel everytime I read it. I am taken aback and breathless. Wordsworth, in this passage, captures not only the physical beauty of the landscape but the beauty of his memory and all that still remains there even though it is physically absent. He is reminded of something he once had, but lost...it is something that he may never again have but will always remember. This place has become dear to him for what it offers him in both the present and in memory as if it still existed.

To the Lighthouse

Reading Nick's blog, I agreed with much of what he said...many would I think. First the question of importance comes up. How are these mundane events of the Ramsey's lives and their guests important? This is similar to The Dead because there too we have mundane events which are supposed to be the things that stick out...they are important too!!

I most definitely feel for anyone reading Virgina Wolff and attempting to focus with her very complex stream of consciousness style. I find that when I read To the Lighthouse I do not breathe until she truly ends her sentence with a period (maybe I get lightheaded which is why I find myself fading in and out of concentration when I read her). This creates slight confusion at times. This book is fairly easy to read but then when I stop I can't necessarily answer as to what I have just read. I read without reading which becomes a problem!

Basically, I see this as a deep reflection through the minds of her characters as to what their simple wants, needs, and desires are even if they are mundane.

I find it interesting that Nick brings up the Freudian oedipus complex because that is very important to me and the characters of James and Mrs. Ramsay throughout the novel.

Once I dig deeper into this I will blog about the epiphanies I am having...

oohh La La...

Haha..ok Ihad to post a picture of Keats (Left)and Eliot (right). No...I am not physically attracted to either but their words and intelligence on the other hand arouse me. Lightbulbs don't go on and off, they simply go on and stay on when I delve into their writings. I am posting a link to Keats' Vale of soulmaking (as I have done in every blog I have ever created for Dr. Sexson) in case anyone wants to see what it is that hit me and caused me to involve myself so deeply in Keats!

http://www.stjohns-chs.org/english/Romantic/Rm-Ks.html

It really is great! Enjoy!!! (I guess even Keats rules over hunger!) I really do need therapy! But I am going to say that Jon Orsi needs therapy asap because he can't even eat lunch or sit down and have a meal without surrounding the table with Samuel Beckett!! Although, I am finding I don't quite mind his obsession anymore...

I must agree with Kari that today was certainly a day of "wowser" blogs. I too am thoroughly impressed with some of the blogs that people have created and hope that those who have not yet jumped on the Pater bandwagon soon do!! (As does Dr. Sexson)

I have yet to look at all the blogs Dr. Sexson told us to...I am a bit overwhelmed to say the least! Where did all this marvelous blogging come from?! Epiphanies? I think so!! I admit the one I wanted to see first was Tai's...perhaps he has some word of wisdom on my addiiction to Keats...or perhaps Jon Orsi's addiction to Samuel Beckett which we have also discussed in class.

I realize that "the twelve step programs are based in forgiveness" but who or what do I have to forgive? I am simply in love with two eaxtraordinary men...or perhaps not THEM but their WRITING! Anyways...I am quite content with my obsession at the moment even if some people think I am dysfunctional.

Taylor's presentation was great because I began to think later that even though I am in a class in which we focus on epiphanies I still have not sat down and fully thought about what an epiphany is! So, my next activity...to procrastinate on french a little more (because getting yelled at in french once for not doing my work was just not enough "C'est incroyable classe! Moi, JE TRAVAILLE mais vous?). Ok- it really wasn't funny BUT... I decided I am going to sit down with a blank piece of paper and draw or write anything that comes to my mind when I think of epiphany! I am so excited! And then i will scan in my thoughts page of epiphanies :) Thanks Taylor for motivating the artsy creative side of me if there even is one!

I also read Pat's blog on sensations in regards to Pater. Honestly, when I read this passage I never thought about the mundane or the sensations connected. Instead I thought about the line that separates the real and imagined. "Between two worlds become much like each other" (eliot 54). I connected this to Paters worlds and then of course because I am OBSESSSED i connect it to Keats and how he talks about moving from place to place and moving beyond the vales...to the world of soul making. It all circles back to Keats. The "perpetual weaving and unweaving of ourselves" is like who we transform into through all these moments and experiences. But when we change what do we feel? I don't even know if this is making sense because I am confusing myself now and my mind is focused on the sharp hunger pains because I have not eaten yet today!

Once I feed my body I will connect back to the blogs and catch up!

Eliot, oh Eliot...

I am enrolled in some wonderful courses this last and final semester at MSU, but all I ever want to do is read T.S. Eliot's Four Quartets over and over again! I always have it with me or at least in my car. I should be reading To the Lighthouse, Le Gone du Chaaba, Harold Bloom, Histoire de France, or D'accord...but no- all I want to do is read Eliot, I want to take the time to memorize the entire four Quartets...even though I have not even memorized my section! This is hard for me to say about a man, but I think I may be falling in love. I really enjoy Eliot and all he has wrapped up in the quartets. How do I let him go, at least long enough to get my other reading done?!

I actually shuddered when this next thought crossed my mind because I never thought I'd feel this way, but I may just have to place Eliot ( doing so with grace and a smile) on the shelf in my mind next to Keats whom I truly do look to and think about often.

So perhaps, I will get onto some other work so I can read Eliot as I am relaxing with some wine tonight...

Conclusion to the Renaissance

Working through Walter Pater's conclusion, I began with wanting to highlight the passages I found to be most important and ones I simply loved...this was difficult because I was basically highlighting the whole thing! So, here are my thoughts on some passages:

"Let us begin with that which is without- -our physical life"

"This at least of flame-like our life has, that it is but concurrence, renewed from moment to moment, of forces parting sooner or later on their ways." This passage as well as many of Pater's other passages deals with time and memory. I remembered Eliot's lines discussing the two lovers uniting and also his mention of taking one road as opposed to the other. This is what I think of when I read this passage. I have the image of two people walking hand in hand slowly drifting apart and parting ways on goes left, one goes right...and his lines before that allow the image to become blurred and simply show two obscured outlines as they drift further apart. Perhaps I will attempt to draw out this image...though I am a horrible artist.


Pater also talks of thoughts and feelings as a whirlpool. This to me is so precise because often my thoughts are spiraling around in my head or emotions cooped up in this whirlpool, swirling until they emerge with a force greater than one knows.

Thoughts as impressions rather than what language invests in them...constantly changing, coming and going...


Our impressions are limited by time and time passes as we are trying to understand it. Therefore, we are missing out in these limited pulsations and impressions because we are too focused on time.


"What is real in our life fines itself down"
-There is a thin line between what is real and what is fiction. Is this because what is real thins itself out to obscure the real?

"The continual vanishing away, that strange, perpetual, weaving and unweaving of ourselves"
- Like T. S. Eliot Pater focuses on the wasting away of experience and age rather than what we gain. We continuously change in a way that is unknown to us and slowly vanish from this life as time vanishes before our eyes.


Rouse and startle the human spirit to life through philosophy of specualtive culture-constant and eager observation...by constantly engaging in every moment (because each one is new and different) we are able to constantly see something new. Even in the same place we can look through a different lens and find something we had not seen previously. These experiences of seeing something new are intoxicating to the soul and human spirit.



"Not the fruit of experience, but the experience itself, is the end"...But what is experience anyway? If it is the end would experience be death- is that the outcome. Eliot does not believe we learn anything from experience, whereas it seems Pater believes it is not what we learn but the action of what we do!



"every moment some form grows perfect in hand or face; some tone on the hills or the sea is choicer than the rest; some mood of passion or insight or intellectual excitement is irresistibly real and attractive to us,---for that moment only"
-I think this is one of the most beautiful passages I have read. I read this over and over focusing on each word in the passage. It was just a lightbulb moment in which I felt intrigued to be reading these words. In one moment we are able to experience such intense feelings, but it is in that moment only. A moment of passion, excitement that arouses us in a way that we will experience exactly like that...once.


We pass point to point, but are always present at the time when forces unite in their purest energy. That is what the present is- a force of the purest energy that we are always in. That energy moves us from time to time.

Maintaining ecstasy is success in life- agreed. Ecstasy...burning as a gem-like flame would, but eventually the flame goes out...

We have limited pulses which is to say eventually the time of death will come when we are meant to leave this world and travel to another perhaps. We must use those pulses as wisely as possible...

comte/ hegel/ rousseau....I will touch on this later...I have to run to class soon!

"great passions may give us a quickened sense of life, ecstasy and sorrow of love, the various forms of enthusiastic activity..." Love this!

One last note...this class has made me despise time!!

19 Fevrier 2010: Time-Ulysses- thoughts

I had to laugh in class on Friday when Dr. Sexson asked Helena, "What have we done with all this time?" and Helena responded quietly and hesitantly, "nothing???" It was amazing- her voice fit with the confusion and wonderment so well!

Dr. Sexson also began discussing whether Eliot was attempting to convert the readers to Christianity. False. It reminded me of a deep discussion I had the other night about religion, spirituality and soul, and where the lines between them are drawn. This discussion somehow lead to an argument as to whether science or religion is more credible and la la la...controversy. Surprisingly this led to 3 English majors on one side of the table and 2 "others" on the other side (haha) we began reading from Ulysses and I was in awe by the beauty of it and the complexity- I loved every word of it. It was intimate and breath taking. There was silence until one of the "others" laughed and said "Do you guys even know what that is saying? It doesn't even make sense." I had to laugh back at his reaction...I know this story is completely random but I loved that a discussion of Eliot and Beckett in regards ot religion and spirituality can lead to an argument of science and then to Ulysses...how that happened I do not remember- much led up to it.

Some things that stuck out to me during Friday's class were:

*Deception...what were we talking about in regards to this? I completely forgot...

*Alternate reality: the movie sliding doors is slow beginning and the first time I sat down to watch it, I turned it off before the train scene. It is a movie you have to watch with a light attitude...I don't know how to explain it, you just have to watch it. This alternate reality she is experiencing is so crazy and it almost makes me dizzy thinking about her "lives"

*Memories: There is what we did do and what we didn't do........In class we were discussing memories and how we remember what we did do, but do we remember what we didn't do? What struck me in class was that all of a sudden many things I wish I had done but didn't came back to my mind. So, i thought that of course we remember what we didn't do. Though then again there are also things that we didn't do and can't remember because they never happened, how could we remember something that never existed?


"When you go up, you're actually going down into the darkness"---"The way up is the way down"
- are we always descending?

What does experience teach us?

What does experience teach us? Nothing.

A chill went through my body as Dr. Sexson concluded the class today. Usually, I remember the shuffling of feet and packing of books into bags as class ends and I too am one of those that packs up to get to the next class on time. Today was different...I couldn't allow myself to stan dup and pack my things until Dr. Sexson had finished. I was in awe of this because never had that idea crossed my mind in that way while focusing on T.S. Eliot.

Isn't that what we have been led to believe all our life is that experience leads to knowledge? Experience leads to something, but now I am just not quite sure what that is. Eliot has the startling belief that in fact we learn nothing from experience because every moment is new, everything we experience and learn is new.

We learn nothing as we grow old, we only experience the new. Every day, every moment---is new.

I have been thinking about time a lot...ok- constantly since reading T.S. Eliot's Four Quartets and it amazes me, scares me. The whole essence of time is rather mind boggling. Not only to I constantly think about the idea that all we have is the present, but the idea of how time works and how literally 1 second could change everything. My sister e-mailed a poem called" Time" I think (posted below). It made me realize how absolutely oblivious humans can be to time until something happens that forces them to truly think about it in a completely different way. Then, I found out over the weekend that my brother had been hit by a drunk driver while he was on duty as a police officer in Minneapolis. A few short moments could have changed many lives and luckily he is recovering. I guess even more than writing an intellectual blog I want people to think more about time and how it changes, how it's important and to realize that never ever will we conquer it.
Eliot's emphasis on time is absolutely astounding and I wish we could talk more about this...although to be honest I think T.S. Eliot has made me a bit argumentative because now I feel like I am constantly judging how people spend their time...though I have no room to speak.

To Realize

"To realize the value of ten years: ask a newly divorced couple.

To realize the value of four years: ask a graduate.

To realize the value of one year: ask a student who has failed a final exam.

To realize the value of nine months: ask a mother who has given birth to a stillborn.

To realize the value of one month: ask a mother who has given birth to a premature baby.

To realize the value of one week: ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.

To realize the value of one hour: ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.

To realize the value of one minute: ask the person who has missed the train, bus, or plane.

To realize the value of one second: ask a person who has survived an accident.

To realize the minute of one millisecond: ask the person who has one a silver medal in the Olympics.

To realize the value of a friend: lose one.

Time waits for no one. Treasure every moment you have."

This poem is actually really depressing but...it stuck with me when I received it.

Time....what is it even?

7 deadly sins

Warning: This is completely random but I am attempting to make some ties.

I had another enlightening discussion about the 7 deadly sins which, honestly I rarely think of.

LUST
ENVY
GREED
ANGER
SLOTH
GLUTTONY
PRIDE

What does this have to do with Capstone? Well...I can't give you an extremely magnificent answer quite yet because I have not had time to really think about this. But in Eliot, many of these are present. Or at least we could say they are to some extent. The love, unification of lovers- while that may not be erotic, lovers must feel lust do they not? Do we not all envy Eliot for his use of language and the realizations he brings us to in regards of time? Greed is clearly depicted in the way that we have overcome the river, but it gets the better of us because the sea and ocean defeat us! With death comes anger...need I say more? Also this ties in with the whole idea of death and isolation. The sin of sloth is the same idea- we do or do not do things sometimes because of this. I could not find an eliot connection to Gluttony but immediately the picnic scene from the wind in the willows came to mind. And Lastly pride. Again, I think of Eliot because I feel that he reminds us without saying it straightforwardly that Pride takes over us in a way that is harmful and eventually we are defeated but I also think, what would one be without some pride? Isn't pride a good thing to have a portion of?

Perhaps I will find something amazingly interesting as I ponder all these thoughts

Death and reincarnation

I had a very thought provoking discussion Wednesday night about the idea of death and reincarnation. It made me question- Do we ever really die? I know that some could get into this on an extremely deep religious leel, but really that's not what I am looking for! I guess after reading T.S. Eliot's the four quartets over and over, I can't stop thinking about death. When we die what do we become? If we are reincarnated do we continue our lives as they were or are we on a completely different path? Perhaps we could be caught between these two worlds. I don't necessarily think that we come back as some extraordinary mythical creature or animal per se but are in a way ourselves yet not. It makes so much more sense to me in my head...

While enjoying a delicious bottle of red wine that I could have probably shared more of rather than indulging in most of it myself, T.S. Eliot's line came into my mind:


"Love is most nearly itself
When here and now cease to matter."

This passage confused me at first because I thought well isn't that real love, when all that matters to two people is the present time and they are not dwelling on the past or worrying about the future? (because unfortunately from time to time I find myself doing both and it seems to end more in argument or distressed thoughts). Then I thought to myself...well, maybe what Eliot wants us to think about it is that Love is Love when everything ceases to matter, even time. With love, there is only love. When I am with one I love I realize, time doesn't matter (sadly not even class matters) everything ceases to matter except for that one person and the unity that exists between us.

While I learned so much or at least thought about so much from this conversation I was still left wondering- Eliot can never be sorted out!

The Dry Salvages

These images show first "Our lady of good voyage", "Les trois sauvages", and "The sea serpent of Gloucester". In my section of the dry salvages, all these images were extremely important. As I said in my presentation, "Our lady of good voyage" prays for the men at sea and the women and children they have left behind. She represents the Virgin Mary and connects to Eliot's latin (I think) reference Figlio del tuo figlia- which I translated (not neccessatily correctly) to Daughter of your son- using Mary and Jesus as an example and connecting then to Dante's Paradiso. Eliot also makes religious references to Jonah and the Whale. The image of the sea monster is very interesting because some once believed that a sea serpent really did exist in the bay off the coast of Cape Ann--- Gloucester, New England. Due to my obsession and love of sea creatures, especially mythical ones this became my favorite part of my section (solely for that reason). I am saddened to see though that when I tell people of this, they are not nearly as excited as I am. Or perhaps they just didn't notice and they wish they could have been the one to make the connection to the sea monster. Yup, that's it :)

I have French History class now en Francais but I will continue with more in depth notes from my presentation after!

An absence of the longed for

"I said to my soul, be still, and wait without hope
For hope would be hope for the wrong thing; wait without
love
For love would be love of the wrong thing; there is yet faith
But the faith and the love and the hope are all in the waiting.
Wait without thought, for you are not ready for thought:
So the darkness shall be light, and the stillness the
dancing."



While there are many passages from T.S. Eliot's Four Quartets that I am in love with, this one in particular is simply pure ecstasy. Just to throw it out there, ecstasy to me is a feeling in which you feel chills from the awe- a sort of shock in which every sense is heightened...this is ecstasy.
This passage is so deeply emotional, completely attached yet somehow detached. This passage comes to me as a warning, as if Eliot felt so passionately for something that he felt he could not attain, therefore felt the need to detach from it. Perhaps I am simply putting my own thoughts, feelings and experiences into this passage but that is half the fun is it not? The waiting makes me feel as if he is hoping...isn't that what you do when you wait? So, how can he be without hope? By instilling a sort of emptiness, thoughts become absent, darkness becomes light, and stillness the dancing.

In my beginning is my end and in my end is my beginning.

The infinite versus the finite. Finite being death. Isn't it ironic that the moment we begin to live or the moment we enter the worl and take our fist breath when we are born is also the moment in which we are brough closer to death. I am not looking at this through a negative lens but more a lens of time. When does it begin and end? Or does it? Sam discussed the idea of music and connected it to The Wind in the Willows- we simply can't be too close to hear it. I was astonished by Tai's mentioning of the book 7 Habits of Highly Effective people. Ok, my shock is simply the fact that I never thought I'd see this book brought up in class...I shouldn't judge a book by its cover, I guess. I am deeply in thought about his idea that the recognition of divinity comes not through nature but through humility. Perhaps if I read T.S. Eliot's four quartets as a whole and in depth, rather than focusing on simply the 3rd quartet i could come to a deeper conclusion as to why divinity is recognized through humility not nature. Does one have to feel humility before recognizing the divine? Taylor's mentioning of landscapes was nothing less than mesmerizing. The image of being stuck between them and having "no secure foothold" produced a sort of fear, yet familiarity within me. A feeling of being trapped was present. How and when do you get released? Would this obstruct our idea of time? Perhaps the time would go slower...sometimes when i feel this trapped feeling wishing it would pass it seems as if time has stopped. This idea, ironically enough circled to Kari's part of the presentation when she told us that the only time we have is NOW. There is no better time for things to happen because all we have is the time now, when else could it happen? This idea for me struck hard and may have produced an all too epiphanic moment. How could I not have acknowledged this idea before...because it was in the NOW. Well, I am beginning to confuse myself with that so back to Taylor's...Enchantment, Fairies, time...it seems all too mysitcal- I agree with her view saying that in this part of Eliot time is linear but but have forgotten how the fairies came into it. I have always thought though that Enchanted places do have a different sort of time from the real world.
Another point in the presentation of group 2 that literally sent a chill through me was when Taylor mentioned the fear of death and isolation. It seems all too familiar again and in the present also. It is difficult to face death or think about death from any perspective and some people really do isolate themselves. How does this isolation come about though and why does it lead to isolation. This whole idea being brought up was chilling to me because I have been thinking about this exact thing for a few months now and every time i think I understand it, I realize I don't. Death is descent and darkness as Eliot shows through the images of sea and Earth.
I was quite inspired by all of what Doug had to say and wish I could intersperse some sort of comment but I really need to read this section before I do! So are we looking at circular movement with T.S. Eliot or linear? Do we circle back light to dark and back to light or flow straight into the vast darkness of the oceans linearly.

The Burnt Norton

Group one delivered an interesting presentation today beginning with the structure of the four quartets and connecting it to the building with 4 quadrants. The movements that Adam went over were interesting and it connected to their presentation as a whole! The classical music was a brilliant accompaniment and I thought it fit the Eliot poem well. Erin's idea of the present and it only being there at that one moment was one of my favorites. The present to be xperienced in a moment and never again. What is a moment even? I am still absolutely enthralled in this idea of time, but when I attempt to wrap my mind around the notion of time I become absolutely overwhelmed. While it is an interesting thing to ponder I feel a sort of fear take over me and I feel almost paralyzed from it! I can't even explain it...this brings me to think about Zuzu's idea of fear in T.S. Eliot through language. There are certain words that send a chill through you and induce such strange emotions- I am trying to pinpoint what i feel when I re-read those words: blood, scars, flesh. What does all this mean and what is the point of using those words? I am not going to lie, I was thoroughly boggled by the religious connection- I will have to look at that again... Lastly, the connection to Pink Floyd was great and as Kevin said, fitting for this class. Echos of the past and future- unseen and unheard. Echos as a reflection. All very interesting but again I will have to go back to the first quartet to truly attempt to understand this.

Finnegans Wake

Jennie Lynn's performance of Finnegans Wake was absolutely amazing andthen some- nothing less than that! I was in absolute awe and realized once she had sat down that I don't know for sure that I even took a breath while she was standing in front of the class. It was so peaceful, yet as Dr. Sexson said, filled with sadness. Her voice reflected all of this so well. It came to me then that this is what performance is, this is what education should be! This performance was so inspiring! I am honored to be in a class in which someone can stand up and convey so many emotions in such a short amount of time. I also was amazed at how much easier it was to pay close attention to the words and pick out certain phrases that I felt I could understand. I was able to enjoy finnegans wake rather than become overwhelmed by Joyce's complexity. I conclude that perhaps stories are best understood, appreciated and enjoyed orally, at least for me.

"Brick walls are there for a reason"

When Dr. Sexson asked us the question, "What book could you not put down?", I was immediately tuned into my thoughts. Many books ran through my head, but one specific stayed in the back of my mind the entire time. Randy Pausch's The Last Lecture is perhaps the most touching and inspiring piece of work I have laid hands on. Suffering from pancreatic cancer, Pausch delivered a last lecture meant for his children to listen and learn from after his death. I read this book in one sitting. While it is a short, quick read, it is also most importantly a book that I was able to derive many important and truly life changing points from. So often, I lose myself in the stresses of college and general life downs when I should really be focusing on the positive parts. The worst thing anyone could ever hear is that they are a negative person. It is so easy to forget that life is a gift, every moment good and bad is an experience and some good can be taken out of any moment. I posted some quotes below from The Last Lecture that stand out and are some of my favorites. Though he was suffering from a life threatening illness his book reflects humor and joy in life. While I enjoy reading nearly anything, I remember the books that I can take life lessons from and those that inspire me. Happiness is truly the most important thing to me in life and sometimes it takes a piece of work like Pausch's or Dr. Seuss's Have I ever told you how lucky you are?, or Hermann Hesse's Siddhartha. All books that inspire me to do my best, do what I love and be happy doing whatever it is I do.

The Last Lecture:
"The brick walls are there to show how badly we want something"
"Show gratitude. Gratitude is a simple but powerful thing"
"Never lose the child-like wonder, It's just too important"
"Better to fail spectacularly than do something mediocre"

The Cookie- what is an epiphany and what does it feel like?

I went to Sola this week and read through a few of the poems or handouts Dr. Sexson has listed on the syllabus. I had a difficult time working through The Windhover. I don't even know if we were supposed to read this yet, needless to say no epiphany came to me when reading it. I also read Proust's "The Cookie". While this excerpt is barely over 2 pages long, it took me quite a long time to read through. I was not distracted at all, except by my thoughts of this reading. I re-read each paragraph at least 3 times, each time picking up on something new or loving what I had already highlighted even more. Perhaps I should continue on with this until we discuss the cookie more in depth in class...I am so anxious to continue on though...I will just wait I guess. But I will say that their are "ahh" moments all over in this reading and Proust captures the definition of epiphany better than anyone else I have come across thus far.

Some would think that because an epiphany is a thought, perhaps you can't feel it, but you can! Epiphanies send a tingle through your body- a chill so enthralling that your mind becomes almost frozen for a moment. Epiphanies combine all the senses I believe in some way though we are not able to remember exactly or perhaps even experience that same feeling through each sense ever again.

Life re-visited as an English Major

I just wrote an entire blog re-visiting my life as an english major and realized I need to take a much closer look at my education as a whole and the great life events that shaped it. Where do I begin? Some would say, well duh start at the beginning! It's really not the easy though. I think I need to work backwards in order to really re-examine my life as an english major because those years are much clearer to me and will hopefully help me to understand more fully why on Earth I am still to this day sitting in english courses!

Day one of Class

The first day of class was intriguing to say the least. Beginning class with T.S. Eliot's Four Quartets was the best way to begin...time present and time past. The words or passages that stuck in my head while Dr. Sexson was reading are as folows:
~ time present, time past
~what could have been
~the door we never opened
~Dust
~First world
~Deception of Thrush
~Human kind cannot bear much reality
~Always present

I love this list and as I type it the recitation of this poem comes back to me and places even more thoughts in my head...good thing the room for thoughts is endless! There is so much to be said about time past and present and the time we have not yet had where could we possibly begin?!

EPIPHANY!
I was discussing this class with one of my French Professors and I said that the subject matter was "epiphanies" and her response was "Oh Lisa, that is just what you need!" I don't know if I should laugh or take a deep breath and realize...she is so very right about this! Perhaps both...

A sudden manifestation of the divine.

And now i must sadly admit I do not think my T.S. Eliot thought in class about the first world was an epiphany at all....simply a thought. It did not take over my thoughts!

Day one of Class

The first day of class was intriguing to say the least. Beginning class with T.S. Eliot's Four Quartets was the best way to begin...time present and time past. I am absolutely enthralled at how the classes I have taken with Dr. Sexson all seem to connect in some wonderfully brilliant way....